MindFULLness
I’ve thought a lot about how fuzzy my mind has felt over the past few years. It feels like when you used to turn on the VCR and the TV wasn’t on channel 3– complete static. That’s how my mind often feels. I’ve thought about it a lot– what’s caused it? How can I fix it? Reminding myself that self-pity doesn’t get a whole lot done, it only prolongs the end goal.
I tried to revisit the last few years.
Along with the changes and stressors in my life, I thought about my responses to said changes and stressors.
Let’s recount them:
COVID-19 (we all sailed through this one together)
Move to a new city
End of a friendship / a decreased social circle
Start of a new (long distance) relationship
Start of a new job, in the middle of COVID
Experiencing Burnout for the first time
I didn’t realize how much I had going on. All of these things are part of life, so I just went with the motions, as we all do. What I didn’t realize was how the stresses of all of these things compounded. I didn’t address them as they occurred. Eventually, the stress of everything put me into a state I hadn’t experienced before.
I went into a sort of Autopilot mode, not from the life changes on their own, but from the way I responded to them. I’m a good procrastinator (though I never used to be). I’d use Instagram as a crutch for this (I know a lot of us do). I also put myself down a lot, when it came to work, the way I was (and wanted to be) in my relationships and life.
The consistent stress, lack of proper response and self-compassion throughout this led me to develop severe anxiety that I’ve never felt before. I fed into it, regularly, and it became a part of me. I’m more attentive to understanding the way my mind works now.
Going back to the consistent stress and lack of proper responses I led my mind and body through, it brought me to more than just Autopilot mode. I felt like my mind was overflowing. I felt like so much information was in my brain, yet none of it was retrievable. I felt like I learned a lot in daily life but never had enough processing time.
As a result, it felt like my mind would push out every piece of information or conversation the moment it entered. It felt foreign to me, because I’ve always known myself to be intelligent and articulate.
I felt like a part of me was chipped, even lost. I didn’t recognize myself.